Gudrun Frerichs, PhD

Identifying Personal Responses to Conflict Situations

When it comes to dealing effectively with conflict situations, knowing about your own conflict style will come as a great help. Everybody reacts differently to conflict. Basically, how we react to conflict, what triggers conflict, and what constitutes vulnerable areas to could lead to conflict depends very much on a person’s history and his/her formative experiences in childhood. For example, growing up in a family where conflict often led to violence might cause a child to grow up dealing with conflict either by acting violently or by avoiding it altogether.

The Tale of 2 Brains

It is surprising how many couples struggle with their relationship - yet they fail to get professional imput that could help them to improve their happiness and satisfaction a good working partnership could hold. Their family car gets more often a tune-up than their relationship - even though people often have even less understanding of what makes a good relationship than what it takes to have a smooth running car.

In the following video clip, marriage expert Mark Gungor presents a humorous exploration of the difference between how women and men think and behave.

8 Steps To Successful Conflict Resolution

I mentioned before that conflict arises when a person’s needs or expectations are not met. However, conflict does not just rest on a difference in needs but also on the negative meaning that people give an action or behaviour. Thus our perception and interpretation of a situation plays a large part in conflict.
Your partner comes home later than expected without calling you. You feel disappointed and hurt and are getting angry because you consider his actions disrespectful; he obviously doesn’t care about you; he can’t be bothered. You make a scene and accused him of all the things you just thought.

Conflict As An Opportunity Of Growth

Conflict is a normal occurrence. Whether you think of personal intimate relationships, friendships, or workplace relations, you can anticipate that conflict will happen sooner or later. It is unrealistic to expect that people have always the same needs, ideas, intentions, or plans. By finding constructive ways navigating through times in which you have a different position to your ‘partner’, you will be able to

• grow as a person
• arrive at a deeper understanding of any given situation
• learn about the other person and his/her needs
• will gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your important needs.

In a way, conflict can be understood as a result of resistance to one’s planned path of action or expected needs. Yet, rather than seeing it as a negative phenomenon, resistance has a life giving side to it. Life would be impossible without resistance. Indeed, resistance is not an impediment but the driving force for any progress and forward movement. Without resistance people cannot blow-dry their hair, cars don’t move, and people would slide off chairs.

When you experience resistance, you are given the opportunity to grow stronger within yourself as well as strengthen your relationships. Read on in the next post that explores “How to fight fair”.

Is This Really A Feeling?

"I feel I am really in touch with my emotions! However, often I feel as if people are not interested in what I have to say! Sometime they even give me the feeling as if they are bored with me or think I am stupid. That makes me feel like having enough of this. I really feel I deserve more respect."

The above could very well be a typical conversation I am observing in my practice, in groups, or in private situations. People use a lot the word 'feel'. And that is pretty good, because the moment we access our feelings and express them, we have a much greater chance to connect with others.

But are the examples really really examples of feelings? Take the first sentence; what do you know about the person's feelings? Is the person proud, pleased, satisfied? We know nothing about his/her feelings. What is expressed is a thought, a concept, an observation, dressed up with the word feel.

Actually, it's a perfect example of poor communication. The observation is not accurate because it's diluted with a judgment, and feeling doesn't even come into it. Every time you can substitute the word 'feel' with the word 'think' you are expressing a thought, not a feeling. Beware of the words

that, like, as if,

they signal to you that you are expressing a thought! This is different when you do express a feeling. Then it doesn't make sense to exchange the word feel with the word 'think'. You can't say >>> I think sad, I think hungry, I think tired. It just won't work.

If you use thinking words dressed up as feeling words, you are not connecting. Sadly, you are not connecting with yourself and how you really feel, and you are certainly not connecting with others.

Anger: The Emotion Needed For Survival

Anger is probably one of the most important emotions available to humans. Far back, at the dawn of mankind, anger was absolute necessary for the survival of our species. Whenever a hostile tribe or a Saber-Tooth Tiger would attack, our distant ancestors could rely on the emotion of anger to prepare them to either fight or take flight.

Anger signals to the brain that the survival of the self/ the person is under threat upon which chemicals and hormones were released to prepare the body for the needed action. The problem with anger is, however, that Saber-Tooth Tigers are extinct. Yet, feeling the rush of the chemicals released by anger modern (wo)man reacts with a fight or flight response designed to deal with prehistoric beasts in situations that are not life-threatening.

People get angry when another driver cuts in front of their car, when they have to wait at the supermarket check-out, when their child is not coming immediately when called, when dinner is not ready at the usual time, or when the expected pay-increase is not happening. It’s like shooting mice with cannons. Over the millennia (wo)men have forgotten or un-learnt to respond appropriately to low-grade infringements. Anger and the violent expression of anger has become a serious problem in relationships, in parenting, and in society.

 

Request: The 4th Step in Effective Communication

I have written previously about the steps of the Connecting Dialogue, a strategy of communicating with others that has a great chance of getting your needs met. It's also great for resolving conflict. For an outline of the whole 4 step process go to "The Connecting Dialogue"

Below you'll find a video clip from an accomplished NVC trainer who explaines in more detail the importance of the steps. Here is the 4th step: Making a Request:

Needs: The 3rd Step in Effective Communication

I have written previously about the steps of the Connecting Dialogue, a strategy of communicating with others that has a great chance of getting your needs met. It's also great for resolving conflict. For an outline of the whole 4 step process go to "The Connecting Dialogue"

Below you'll find a video clip from an accomplished NVC trainer who explaines in more detail the importance of the steps. Here is the first step: Expressing Your Needs:

Feelings: The 2nd Step in Effective Communication

I have written previously about the steps of the Connecting Dialogue, a strategy of communicating with others that has a great chance of getting your needs met. It's also great for resolving conflict. For an outline of the whole 4 step process go to "The Connecting Dialogue"

Below you'll find a video clip from an accomplished NVC trainer who explaines in more detail the importance of the steps. Here is the first step: Expressing a Feeling:

Observation: The First Step in Effective Dialogues

I have written previously about the steps of the Connecting Dialogue, a strategy of communicating with others that has a great chance of getting your needs met. It's also great for resolving conflict. For an outline of the whole 4 step process go to "The Connecting Dialogue"

Below you'll find a video clip from an accomplished NVC trainer who explaines in more detail the importance of the steps. Here is the first step: Making an observation.