Gudrun Frerichs, PhD

Overindulgence and Impulse Control

It is no secret that a lot of what people do is motivated by their need for being happier. There are those who indulge in excessive eating, drinking, using drugs, shopping, exercising, or ranting and raving at every other person around them, to name just some examples. All in the service of making good feelings stay longer and/or bad feelings to go away.

They overindulge in a 'pet-activity' not for the activity's sake, but in a vain attempt to regulate their emotions, to feel better - often to the detriment of one's health, financial situation, or relationships.

Self Criticism: Turning a Disaster into an Opportunity

Have you ever been consumed by thoughts like “I am useless, I am stupid, I never get things right”? I am sure you have. If we would research the prevalence of self-criticism, we would probably find that it exists in epidemic proportions. No matter how good your intentions were that motivated you to engage in a project, if it fails self-criticism of the above nature can become an uninvited guest.

Every person makes mistakes. Carl Jung is quoted to have said “(man/woman) ...learns little or nothing from his successes. They mainly confirm him in his mistakes, while his failures, on the other hand, are priceless experiences in that they not only open up the way to a deeper truth, but force him to change his views and methods”.  Mistakes are the pearls that pave the way to greater knowledge and wisdom.

The Function of Feelings

In previous posts I have discussed that feelings have the function of signaling to us important information about our experience and our environment. In order to respond appropriately to your feelings you have to

1. recognise what the feeling is telling you. This is obviously an important step because often our feelings about experiences today are coloured and influenced by experiences from the past. It is vital to separate these two out from each other.
2. respond  properly to the message your feeling is giving you. Too often emotions are felt and expressed but not responded to. There is little point in regretting something you have done unless that feeling of regrets helps you change your future behaviour. There is little point in feeling frustrated unless you make and effort to attain your desired outcome.

Feelings and Intimacy

When I went through my material about feelings and emotions, I came across a little article I had for many years in my posession. I like it so much that I am going to copy it here for you. The article is signed "Sister Maurice Boody, Office of New Directions, 2341 University Avenue, Bronx, New York 10458 - 15.2.74 E.G. Wishart"

"If we want to be loved we must reveal ourselves. If we want to love someone they must allow us to know them.

As obvious as this may be many of us go through life avoiding such disclosure. In fact, most of us practice concealment by playing roles. We claim to have certain feelings which we actually do not have, we profess to be loving when we're full of hostility, calm - - when in reality anxiety is nearly overwhelming us, and to believe in things when in truth we do not.

Feelings: Your Personal Search Engine

We live in an information rich time. 50 years ago, if you wanted to travel through Europe and Asia to visit Kathmandu, you were limited to information from a travel agent or your local library. Nowadays you get your computer out and just "google it". And you'll find out much more than would have been available in the 60s of the last Century.

The good news is, if you want to find out exactly how your life is going, you don't have to research it in a library or google it.You don't need a computer or broadband access.  All it takes is to listen inside your mind and body to how you are feeling. Feelings are like your very own personal search engine.

Feeling Good or Feeling Bad?

Have you ever had somebody telling you that they ''feel good" or "feel bad"? A great variant of that is when someone says "Not too bad"!.  I get to hear that all the time. Of course, such utterings don't tell me anything. How bad is bad, or how good is good? And what on earth is "not too bad"?

Emotions are not just a handful of feelings. There are hundreds of feelings and distinctions that, when used wisely, communicate very well how people are feeling. In order to be understood and helped by a friend, partner, or therapist, you need to let the person know what kind of good or what kind of bad you are feeling.

Emotional Literacy

How do you know that you are using your emotions most effectively in your life? You will be on your way to emotional choice when you are able to experience a wide range of emotions and you begin to understand what each of these emotions communicates to you. The crucial point could well be to see emotions as meaningful information about how to improve your life rather than seeing them as random blows delivered to you by a hostile environment. (Click on the picture to see an enlarged wheel of emotions).

Having emotional choice means to be able to feel both pleasant and unpleasant emotions and move through them with ease without dwelling too long on unpleasant emotions. Really, they are only there to tell you that something is not working and you need to take action. Emotions are not set to guarantee a person’s happiness. They are, in the widest sense set to ensure the survival of the species. Following the Darwinian principle of survival of the fittest, emotions are set to support human beings in doing just that!

 

Understanding Feelings

Many theories about feelings exists and it can be a little bit confusing to make sense of all the different opinions (see Wikipedia). I am going to present a view that is informed by NLP and has proven useful in my practice over the years.

Stripped to the bare bones we can say that feelings are just information. They are feedback that informs people about their experiences.

Seeing feelings in this light, it doesn’t make sense to label them good or bad. They just are. Feelings tell you something about what is going on around you and propel you to take action. The following is a schematic view of how feelings come about. 

8 Steps To Successful Conflict Resolution

I mentioned before that conflict arises when a person’s needs or expectations are not met. However, conflict does not just rest on a difference in needs but also on the negative meaning that people give an action or behaviour. Thus our perception and interpretation of a situation plays a large part in conflict.
Your partner comes home later than expected without calling you. You feel disappointed and hurt and are getting angry because you consider his actions disrespectful; he obviously doesn’t care about you; he can’t be bothered. You make a scene and accused him of all the things you just thought.

What is Conflict?

Most people have a clear idea what conflict is. Most people don’t like conflict. In most cases conflict is difficult and hurtful for all parties involved.

Social theorist Axel Honneth explains the significant role conflict plays for a person’s healthy sense of identity and individualisation as follows: Individuals learn about who they are through interactions with others. Thus they derive a sense of self and identity through social processes of approval and recognition. 

Any forms of disrespect, for example rudeness, insult, humiliation, the withholding of care or support, the withholding of rights that are enjoyed by other members of society, discrimination, marginalisation, the lack of appreciation or acceptance for one’s way of life, abuse, rape, or torture cause a threat to a person’s integrity and self-development and could bring the whole identity of a person to a collapse.